Police Procedure

The Rules of Dragnet

This antique portrait of Jack Webb and Harry Morgan had to be recently recreated from scratch. Don’t let anyone tell you your digital files are going to last forever. From jpeg to TIFF, they all evaporate over time. Unlike Dragnet, which stays vivid forever.

This is not ‘Nam, Smokey; there are rules:

• Set scenes in a single room. Even better, set whole episodes in a single room. Don’t waste money on location shoots when someone sitting in a chair can simply tell the whole story, perhaps even over the phone.

• Phones must be answered before the first ring has ended and slammed down when finished.

• Virginia Gregg must be cast in every third episode and Peggy Webber in all the rest.

• No need to say goodbye to someone being questioned. Simply nodding and walking away during a music cue will suffice.

• If a number is mentioned, the speaker must indicate it by holding up the same number of fingers.

• Any elderly robbery victim must sadly explain that the stolen cash was his or her “burial money.”

• If presenting a dollar bill, it must be pulled sharply from either end to produce a loud snap.

• Whenever possible, set scenes in empty rooms. Have the homeowner or tenant explain that the furniture has either been stolen or has not yet been delivered.

• “One thing’s for sure.”
  ”What’s that?”
  ”The dialogue.”
  ”Yeah?”
  ”You should always remember.”
  ”What?”
  ”Break it into small chunks.”

• Those not on the police force - hippies, college professors, LSD gurus, war protesters, or even crime victims - are Wrong. Only the LAPD truly understands what’s going on in the world, and you, the unwashed civilian, shall hang your head in shame when Joe Friday lectures you about Where It’s At.

• Don’t walk around or fiddle with props. Just stand there in closeup and read the damn script!
  
  -A.H.
  
  
  (And let’s not forget Ashley’s website, jam-packed with portraits and other drawings, his illustrated rant column, The Symptoms, his highly-affordable prints and books currently available, his eagerness for your portrait commission, and his contact email, thrdgll@gmail.com, where he longs to hear from you.)